More authenticity, less excuses

by Marcele Folgati 

While talking to my single friends, I could observe a common feeling amongst them: they are not happy about being single and they blame men’s behavior for that.  Ok, we understand. But let’s think about it, go a little deeper into the matter and maintain an open mind?

It is a fact that many men nowadays don’t want a relationship, perhaps because they are afraid of women, or maybe they are immature, they even might not want a relationship and that’s it. But my focus in this text will be the women’s side and the phrasing: “I am single because men don’t want anything serious”. Who never heard anything like it?  I see things in this attitude that worries me. My first worry is the idea that being single is something bad, which is not. The second is not being the owner of your own frustration. We have the right to be sad, hurt and skeptical, who never got involved with the wrong person and had to seek her friends for comfort? Even the wrong person taught us something, it is part of a phase of your life. Truth is, there is no right or wrong, at that time the wrong seemed right, didn’t he? What we have to deal with, in truth, is our choices and consequences.  When deceptions seemed to happen over and over, feeling like history is repeating itself, it is time to stop and think on what we are seeking for, and what sort of men we are attracting. Change the pattern in ourselves might be a good way to find new ways to relate to others.

We, the women, own our lives and only we have the power to decide what we want, from the jacket we choose to use on a colder day to the type of relationship we want to have, a friendship or a sexual  or an emotional relationship. We are responsible for our choices and we need to be conscious of that.

There is a text published in a facebook page from Brazil that ended up going viral. On it, a girl (let’s call her Martha) states that the more time she spends being single, the more she wants to stay that way — Super well-resolved, isn’t she? No! After that statement, Martha explains how disappointed she is with the number of unfaithful guys she knows, men that don’t respect their girlfriends. However, the other day, she was involved with a guy that received a text message from his girlfriend saying: “I love you so much, I can’t wait for us to be together forever”. The guy closed his cell phone and continued to kiss Martha. Again: let’s think a little more about it? Even if Martha didn’t know about his girlfriend, when she chose to stand by his side after reading the message, she became as responsible as he for the situation, right? But to our protagonist, the problem wasn’t hers. She completes: “I felt relieved for being there just for being”. That’s the point: why would she consider herself exempt? We need to understand that being responsible for our choices is, in fact, freeing. Instead of doing that, Martha, like so many others, prefers to hide behind the “mistakes others make”.

The key to live intensively is to surrender yourself, and there is no surrendering without the willingness to embrace the vulnerabilities of life. In order to do that, it is important for us to not approve behaviors that might go against our values. I am not talking about false moralism, but about respecting yourself. If for Martha the indifference of a guy towards his girlfriend is shocking, I ask myself why she sustained that behavior? Why did she kept kissing him? It is said that men betray more than women, but I believe they betray equally and one doesn’t do without the other.

Going back to the beginning, your happiness cannot be conditioned to others. “I’d rather be alone because I am afraid of what I see around”? Why not staying single simply because being single is also very good? It is a phase in our lives with more freedom, filled with uncertainty and delightful surprises.

Let’s live! Surrender yourself. After all, being single, dating, engaged or married, we are all, always — again, ALWAYS! — subject to the twists of life and our would may be turned upside down overnight and what we thought was right escapes to our control. It is good when it is like this, simple. I’ll finish it up with a song I used to hear all the time in  my teens: “Girl put your records on, tell me your favorite song… Just go ahead, let your hair down…”.


Marcele Folgati is a Brazilian journalist, one of my closest friends, and she kindly agreed to write (again!) a piece for quirksmag. For that, I am extremely grateful. 

If you liked this text, please visit Marcele’s last text, Punta del Este: where beach and countryside come together. 


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